Is that all there is?

Day 491.

“Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that’s all there is my friends,
then let’s keep dancing”

— Peggy Lee

I’d like to draw your attention to the lovely blogger Kim’s recent post Pieces of me on her Kaleidoscope Sobriety blog. Kim’s over a year sober now, and writes about her expectations and the reality of how she is feeling at this juncture of her sobriety.

She really articulates something I’ve been feeling:  yes, it’s so good for so many reasons to be sober  …  and yet, and yet ….

Kim writes: “Yet (and this is what I’m struggling to surrender to) there are pieces of me that crave the chaos I had when I was drinking, pieces that say to me ‘is this all there is?’, pieces that tell me this is never going to be forever, pieces that slow me down and urge me to stop reaching out – that I’m annoying and inconvenient – that I’m showing other people that sober is miserable, that some will look at me and say ‘yep – that’s what you get when you aren’t in therapy/recovery program of choice’. Ultimately, there are pieces of me that miss drinking.”

Kim’s honesty so resonated with me! I jumped in on her post and commented: “There is definitely a big change though. Most of the time I can’t put my finger on it, unless I really make an effort. It’s not a big whiz bang of THIS IS THE AWESOMENESS of not drinking. No, it’s quite subtle. Just yesterday I thought, ‘I am having a very stressful time in my life at this moment’, lots of deadlines and emotional stress and changes. and YET I am not losing it, nor disappearing into my cups or anything damaging. in fact I am feeling quietly confident that I can handle this all. and I blessed myself for choosing to stop drinking… to me that’s a big thing wrapped up in a little easy-to-miss thing.”

At almost 500 days myself there’s no longer a lot of BIG BANG around soberness. It’s really starting to feel ‘ordinary’. Yes there are aha! moments along the way… I just need to make sure I don’t let ennui – the fabulous french phrase meaning tiredness and boredom – creep in and I start convincing myself that ‘I miss drinking’ …. and act on that.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Peggy Lee  …

 

2 thoughts on “Is that all there is?

  1. After 5 years it’s just part of me. I don’t think about it much. I consider the stable, sober mother role I am in vital.

    As newly single, after 25 years, I occasional wish I could just go out, get wasted and have sex with a stranger. Like in a movie. It sounds so crazy and unexpected and I know I don’t really want that. But the thought is there.

    Life has responsibility and expectations. My sobriety reminds me of that.

    Liked by 1 person

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