No, no no, don’t worry. I didn’t go on a booze bender.
I am still alcohol sober!
But, I did fall hard back into a really bad health-wrecking habit.
That is binge eating really unhealthy food. And lots of it.
I mean I REALLY went crazy.
Breaking Bad bad… As in all sorts of junk, ice cream, burgers, fast food, pizza, cookies, chips, candy. I had an insatiable hunger, a hole down somewhere in my soul. Piles of savoury food, mountains of sugar. Like 10,000 calories a day bad.
I’ve been eating and living very healthy these last ten months, and eating that old way made me very sick. And sugar hungover. My body just can no longer handle that type of treatment. I had to go home early from work.
I felt ashamed too.
The bender lasted for four days. I gained five pounds, and felt just horrible – couldn’t even get to the gym. Didn’t dare show my face there. I thought they would all look at me in disgust.
Self-abuse comes in many forms.
But I had an epiphany from it all – and am confident I have cracked that form of addiction.
I sat down and thought long and hard about why I reverted to this very old self-abusive habit. In fact, things are going pretty well at the moment, and a surprise situation has created an opportunity to live in a wonderful place in a wonderful home. It’s similar to having won the lottery in my life.
And here’s the thing. It propelled me on a junk bender.
Now I am pretty sure I’ve gotten down to the bottom of it all.
I don’t feel I deserve such a break in good fortune!
I am willing to sabotage my health in order to support that feeling.
That knocked me for a loop.
I don’t feel I deserve love, or breaks! That was a big eye opener.
I will have to learn self-love during this sobriety process.
That was a BIGGIE learning!