Yesterday was absolutely excruciating.
That picture above is of my little herb garden I planted yesterday. It is a re-creation of my garden I had lovingly grown and had to leave behind at the catastrophic end of the recent relationship.
Pulling together the little garden triggered some serious grief. I cried and cried throughout the day. Feeling so sorry for myself having to create a herb garden again.
It felt so unjust. Anger mixed into the tears as well. At having to start over in my life – and having lost quite a lot in material and emotional terms in the relationship. Regret at my choices came cascading down on me.
It was also a gloriously sunny day. And I nearly drank wine.
Seriously, I was thisclose … if a bottle of wine had been sitting in my house, I would have most likely opened it. I was contemplating driving to an off license and picking up a couple of bottles.
Red wine sounded so pure and beautiful. It was sunny yesterday and I thought why bother with sobriety. Let me get lost in that red, red wine. Let me just soak up the rays and feel the haze of comfort wine delivers to me.
I white-knuckled it through to bed and sleep. It was the toughest day I can recall having since I embarked on this sobriety. This morning I’m on the other side of the inner battle. Thought I should write about my experience – what caused it, and what I did to fight through it.
I couldn’t let myself, my blog and you down
I didn’t want to blow my hard earned days. 133 perfectly formed days! Starting at Day 1 just sounded awful.
And here is where blogging about it really helped me. I couldn’t possibly let myself or people who read my blog down. I have people reading my blog!!! Thank you to each of you who have read a post(s), commented, liked and followed.
YOU helped keep me on the straight and narrow!!!
Comfort from my own posts
It really helped reading some of my past posts. Little seeds of thoughts I had planted earlier that produced fruit to help me get over a tough day like yesterday: One choice at a time; Feelings; What if you didn’t have that thought; Regrets, I have a few; Wherever you go, there you are; Fall down seven times, get up eight.
How about that! I can help myself by what I’ve written! That was amazing. Truly amazing.
Comfort in other people’s posts
These three recent posts consoled me yesterday. If you are the author, and you’re reading this – YOU HELPED ME GET THROUGH A TOUGH DAY — WITHOUT A DRINK!!!
I can’t thank you enough
- Okayishness The Anniversary Effect – This struck such a cord with me, and makes me completely understand that anniversaries, which sometimes I haven’t noted – but my subconscious has, are actually head wreckers. I must have more respect for how much they trigger my need to drink. And how much I must get through them to get onto the other side – without drinking.
- Days without wine Day 123: Make a new ending An amazing post where you watched a lady who could have been me. Just observing in a loving non-judgemental way. I read that and said, I no longer want to be that lady. And I felt love for myself for having chosen sobriety.
- Kaleidoscope Eyes If being sober was a job: beginners sobriety Just a lovely post about choosing sobriety in a sweet different way. Taking up sobriety as if you have chosen a new career. Love it!
One of the things i did yesterday was hit the internet to try and find instant relief.. typing in such things as ‘what to do when you don’t want to take a drink’ and ‘how to not take a drink if you are sober’ etc. Couldn’t seem to find a good video to share here, but the US Govt Rethinking Drinking offered up a few ideas that I include here that I found helped:
- Remind yourself of your reasons for making a change. Carry your top reasons on a wallet card or in an electronic message that you can access easily, such as a mobile phone notepad entry or a saved email. (Visit the pros and cons page to list and sort your reasons.)
- Challenge the thought that drives the urge. Stop it, analyze the error in it, and replace it. Example: “It couldn’t hurt to have one little drink. WAIT a minute—what am I thinking? One could hurt, as I’ve seen ‘just one’ lead to lots more. I am sticking with my choice not to drink.”
- Ride it out without giving in. Instead of fighting an urge, accept it as normal and temporary. As you ride it out, keep in mind that it will soon crest like an ocean wave and pass.
- Distract yourself with a healthy, alternative activity. For different situations, come up with engaging short, mid-range, and longer options, like texting or calling someone, watching short online videos, lifting weights to music, showering, meditating, taking a walk, or doing a hobby.