Feelings

Day 69.

Feelings, nothing more than feelings
Morris Albert

“Feelings” – a very syrupy hit from the mid-70s that just came into my head. I’m not even going to include a video of it in this post – it’s a treacly song, and I don’t want to torture you with that ear worm. You’re welcome.

But the opening line is just so spot on for me right now.

Feelings!

Without my layer of wine to protect and numb me, I feel every single little feeling. Every single one – raw, uncensored and relentless. All. The. Time.

Help! No escape!

I can’t get away from me or my feelings!

“No matter where you go, there you are”
Buddha

The pounding tidal waves of feelings

I am visiting family and I am standing at the shoreline, sustaining wave after wave of family systems. I am experiencing so many relationships at the moment. All the biggies:  parents, siblings, long-lost cousins, attending-a-school-friend’s-funeral, nurturing-a-budding-personal-relationship-back-home-while-visiting. All. At. Once. Without out any self-medication.

When I was drinking, I could go hide in a bottle (or two) of wine, and take some time out – away from me and my thoughts. I realized I loved getting away from myself! I could just sit and ruminate. Overthinking about what had been said. What they said. What I said. What they felt (Or what I thought they felt) and what I felt. What I should have said. What they might have meant by what they said.

How am I feeling without wine?

Screen Shot 2018-03-10 at 05.44.52I feel okay. I observe myself. I surely would love a drink with my meal, I would love to sit at our BBQ with a cold brew in my hand. I would love to feel that first ‘ahhhhhhhh’ as I settle down with the glass of wine with ice.

Instead I have a glass of Sutter Home Fre, a new de-alcoholized wine I found here (Target). It’s quite nice actually – and serves the purpose of the ritual of drinking, without the self-medication. Yes, I do believe even this crutch must go eventually. But for now it’s okay.

I am also observing the role alcohol plays in all these relationships.

It’s okay to just feel the feeling.

Here’s what I am learning. Where I was scared of maybe being a little less than perfect and not saying what I think, I have had a few tense moments this week that I let pass, instead of worrying and worrying about them for long after they happened. I have discovered that everything simply moves forward. This is big for me!

P.S. I’ve been telling loved ones around me of my change. I am telling them I am not drinking now. With some I’m saying for 365 days – and then see how I feel. But I know in my head and heart I want to keep going with the sobriety.

 

Photo by Marcus Dall Col on Unsplash

 

 

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