Thinking of the truly sensational k.d. lang, and her song Constant Craving.
I have been writing about everything except how I am feeling about not drinking.
I do miss it.
I do crave it.
And it’s bugging me.
I miss not reaching for a glass at 5pm. That first sip of wine … oh the relaxation that flows through my body. Such a nice sensation. The feeling of the thought monsters dulled, and to paraphrase Scarlett O’Hara – ‘I’ll think about that tomorrow’.
I have numerous times now suffered through a strong desire to just give up this sobriety malarky – and enjoy wine as I listen to music. My health be damned! My peace of mind be damned!
It’s really hard not to feel deprived. What do I do with this feeling? I try to think about the wasted hours of drinking. Once I started at 5pm, I’d cook dinner and then continue on drinking. So from 5pm to bedtime – early, total waste of time and energy. I did nothing more than sit on the sofa or in bed drinking, thinking, pondering. Getting emotional about things, listening to music and crying. Or drinking to forget my life situation. Eating bad things too. Savoury, sweet. Bags of crisps, chocolate, handful of nuts. Lots and lots of calories loaded onto the calories from the wine.
And sleep was then interrupted. I’d wake up always at 3am. Not sure what that meant, but always, always always.
And rather than face up to the life I was living then – feeling trapped and very unhappy – I chose to self-medicate. I thought that was my lot in life because of choices I had made. And resigned myself to it by dulling my awareness, my pain and my natural happiness and love of life.
And because I chose to self-medicate for so long, I am no longer able to ever go back to drinking. I can’t have just one. I envy those who can take or leave drink. They will have a glass – two at most, at parties, at dinner.
Nope, no going back now.
I look at my sobriety-tracking app and see that it’s 19 days sober now. And I feel great. But then I dwell on the negative. The days of sobriety are not piling up quickly enough. I feel like time has stopped. When will I be sober for six months? Seems so far away. I feel defeated.
And I think about being sober FOREVER from this moment on. It seems so boring. No life at all to live sober. That’s the truth!
But I have begun feeling so much of the clarity I love and discovered from my previous attempts at sobriety. I wake up full of energy. When I am working, there isn’t a fuzzy feeling – I can take on any project! Much less anxiety now. No weight loss yet – but that will come, from what I read. (Less food is part of the trick too 🙂